I’m not in college anymore. I mean, I am taking college classes, but I’m not in college like I was in college the first time. The first time I was in college I didn’t require this much sleep. In fact, I didn’t really require sleep at all. That’s not the case any more. Now I am old, relatively boring, and I require many hours of sleep. I keep a very regimented schedule. My out-on-the-town clothes used to be ‘frisky and backless’ when I was in college. Now they are ‘classic and modest’ if you’re being nice, ‘boring and old’ if you’re being honest. And they aren’t even out-on-the-town clothes. They are actually work clothes.
Whereas I generally don’t care about the premature oldness that I’ve achieved post-marriage and post-college, I’ve been very aware of it lately. The other night, after having been asleep for an hour and a half, I woke up to realize that I had to go to the bathroom. I got out of bed to discover SisterKaty, who had been asleep for several hours already, in the bathroom straightening her hair. I asked her why she would be doing such a thing at an ungodly hour such as this!? She gently informed me that it was only 10:30, and it wasn’t that late when you’re not a 24 year-old geriatric. Also, she said, It’s Friday night.
So when Zack’s good friend and his lovely wife asked if we wanted to go to Pete’s Piano Bar with them, I said, “Yes!” I relished a chance to get outside of the house, to be out on the town, to be young again! I put on my hippest jeans and my least work-ish work shirt and some heels. I was READY. I was wearing EYELINER. It was a BIG DEAL.
Around 9, when we parked 8 or 10 blocks away from the bar, in the closest parking spot we could find, I started to doubt my excitement, and my choice of shoes. I remained blister-free for the 15 minute walk to the bar, and I felt really impressed with myself. I’m doing it again, I was thinking, until I noticed that I looked like a total granny next to everyone else on the street. My jeans, though hip, covered 98% more skin than everyone else’s clothing choices. Also, I was the only person within a 3 mile radius wearing a bra. I was also the only person in that radius that NEEDED to wear a bra, because I’m lacking certain surgical enhancements that are apparently far more wide-spread than I had previously acknowledged. Worst of all, there were girls wearing hot pink nighties with elastic holding the bottom firmly against the fold of their butt cheeks. Look, I know I exaggerate, but I swear, I’m not making that up. Elastic-bottomed, butt-hugging nighties sans bra. Ask Zack. He can confirm. At least he might have a slight memory of a pink blur that he saw right before I jumped on him screaming “AVERT YOUR EYES. VICTORIA’S SECRET JUST BECAME PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE.”
After we got to Pete’s, I started to feel a little better. It was loud in there, and there were no tables, but we were happy: the four of us, standing in the back with drinks trying to soak in the atmosphere. Telepathically, Zack and I were communicating with messages like, “So, people just come here to sing along with the guy playing the piano?” and “Did someone just pay him $20 NOT to sing ‘I Will Survive’?” Several ounces of vodka later, we had adjusted. We were all still standing there, watching the place continue to get fuller and fuller, but we were all screaming “MAMA, OOOH OOHHH OHHHHH, DIDN’T MEAN TO MAKE YOU CRY…” in sync with the rest of the WHOLE ENTIRE BAR. We didn’t completely shed our oldness, though. Conversation topics while we were there covered a number of items, including our escape routes in case of a fire, and the percentage drunk that we estimated for each person in our immediate realm. Also, like responsible adults, we chose who was going to be the lucky DD before we ordered our first drink. I was really proud of myself….
… Really proud until about 11:30 when I realized that the rest of those crazies in the bar had four or five hours of PARTAY left in them and I was feeling very, “The 50 year-old couple just left, and isn’t that our signal that it’s time to go?” and “These heels were not a sensible shoe choice.” I hinted to the couple that was with us (a very respectable modest and classy clothes wearing kind of a couple) that perhaps my eyeballs were going to close soon, never to be re-opened (until 6 or 7 tomorrow morning, the time that I wake up every morning, alarm setting non withstanding) again. With a look of relief, everyone decided that it was, in fact, time to go.
As Zack and I crawled into bed that night, I said, “That was a really good time. I’m glad we did that.” And Zack said, “Me too.” To which I said, “Let’s never go to a club again.” And he said, “Never ever.”