I’m going to the allergist today because I’m allergic to Zack.

Fact: because we are humans, and because I find him to be so damn sexy, Zack and I kiss a lot.  This kissing, or his facial hair touching my skin, causes me to breaking out into a very itchy, quite painful rash.

To answer the question that is always the first one everyone asks: No, I wasn’t entirely unaware that kissing broke me out into hives before we got married.  In fact, I was fully aware of it.  I wasn’t, however, willing to end my relationship with the my fantastic boyfriend/fiance/husband just because of some itching.  Especially since I’m not only allergic to Zack.

I basically have reactions to (from what I can tell) to all men’s facial hair–even a brief contact (like a hug where facial hair touches my neck/shoulder) will cause a break out.  I don’t have a lot of face-to-face contact with the male population, so I have a limited sample group, but here’s what my studies have found: I have reactions to both Zack and my dad (men that can grow lots of facial hair) and I am not allergic to Brothers/Brothers-in-law Boo, David, Jared or Matt.  I suppose that I am also not allergic to any females, since I have never had a rashes post-female contact (however, I haven’t ever had close contact with a bearded circus lady, so I’d call that research ‘incomplete’).

After seeing my doctor several times about the itchiness issues without any success, the doc referred me to an allergist.  Go see AN ALLERGIST, he said, BECAUSE YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO MEN. SPECIFICALLY THE MAN TO WHOM YOU ARE LEGALLY WED. (Emphasis mine, of course.)  So today I’m off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Allergies, and I am officially Nervous As Hell.  I am absolutely sure that I am going to walk in there, and they are going to say, “You are crazy, either deal with it or get a divorce,” and I am going to cry myself the entire way to the bubble-boy store, where I will buy a body suit that will allow me to snuggle with my husband without having to bathe in hydrocortisone cream right afterwards.