Until 3 weeks ago, I operated under the general assumption that my earrings were highly visible to the general public. I have had an array of ear piercings for many, many years. My upper cartilage piercing has been with me for more than 10 years. My tragus (small flap of cartilage just in front of the ear canal) has been in my left ear since early in my college career. I got my conch (that’s the basin of your ear) pierced when I was still in college, as well.

I never intended to keep all my piercings forever. I knew that they were signs of my irreverent youth, and I was really okay with that. I got married with all my earrings in on purpose–displaying proudly the choices that I had made as a teenager and as a young adult. The trick is, I’d never really decided when I wanted to start the great elimination of the metal in my ears/face.

Zack and I talked about my eventual plans for removal early in our marriage. I mentioned once that perhaps I wouldn’t keep my earrings in for much longer. Zack was shocked, saying that no, I should leave them in. “How long do you expect me to keep my earrings?” I asked. “Well, always, I guess,” was his reply. I was really surprised; he’d never expressed any interest in them, nor fondness for them before. He said that he just thought of them as part of who I am, and that he didn’t imagine I’d ever want to remove them.

So as a result of my assumption, combined with that conversation, I was a little nervous when I decided to remove my upper cartilage and tragus piercings about three weeks ago. I cruised along for two weeks without anyone, not even Zack, noticing the lack of metal in my head. It wasn’t until last weekend when I was telling a 15 year-old friend of mine about how I removed them that Zack became aware of the situation. He hasn’t said anything about it since.

Supposing that he just wasn’t very sensitive to aesthetic changes, I brushed off the whole situation. I don’t really care that Zack hasn’t memorized my ears, especially because ears are not (by any stretch of the imagination) what is important in a marriage.

Then, the other day I walked into our bedroom after parting my hair on the left side instead of the right side and Zack promptly had a heart attack. WOAH! YOUR HAIR! IT IS DIFFERENT! WITH THE PART AND THE WOOOAAH! YOU NEVER DO IT LIKE THAT! OMGGGGG.

So what’s your excuse now, mister?! You notice that I part my ever-changing hair differently in .32 seconds, but you don’t notice my two most visible ear piercings have been removed until I point it out?

The only logical answer I can come up with is this: Months ago, Zack knew that I would want to do the opposite of whatever he said in regards to keeping/taking out my earrings. So, secretly he’s always had a vengeful hatred towards them and in order to get me to remove them, he said to keep them. Then when I did remove them, he celebrated privately, not saying anything to me to prevent any backtracking of the removal decision on my part.

IT IS THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION.