Monthly Archives: May 2010

“She’s A G-D-B”

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Target has been wanting me to buy a Brita water filter for about a million years.  They tell me so all the time via clever displays in their stores.  The Biggest Loser, also, thinks that I should own one of these mechanisms.  They tell me about it all the time.  They say, “Sarah!  Stop drinking bottled water!  Start using Brita Filters!  Look how many water bottles we haven’t used her on The Biggest Loser because we use Brita water filters + Nalgene water bottles!”

And I say back to the television:  TV, quit trying to talk me into saving the Earth by reducing my water bottle consumption.  Because I don’t drink bottled water.  I just drink regular water, straight from the tap!  I’m not that prissy, dammit!  Also, I’m fantastically cheap!

But today, Target showed me that it was time.  Target said, “Sarah, we know you’re cheap, and we know you don’t drink that many bottles of water, but we’re coming to you on your level.  Look: this Brita bottle is PRETTY.  And what’s more? It’s ON SALE.”  It’s hard to argue with Target when it’s putting on its A-game.

Which brings me to my point.  All afternoon I’ve been drinking fancy-schmancy filtered water, and all afternoon I’ve had Community’s most famous song, “Getting Rid of Britta” stuck in my head as a result of my (pretty and fantastically inexpensive) purchase.

Just thought I’d return the favor.

Urinary Freedom

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Matt and Sarah1 somehow got me onto a sand volleyball court today.  I was pretty terrified to play with Matt, who’s been known to take a “fun” game a little bit more seriously than I would.  But nevermind my outrageous level of exhaustion, and nevermind that I’d already started on my evening’s margaritas, somehow they got me to play.

Okay. It wasn’t that hard to talk me into it.

Okay, maybe I shoe-horned my way into the game. Whatever.  Believe it or not, I’m not even writing this post to tell you about how fun it was to play sand volleyball, nor how awesome it felt to start to claw my way out of the “so terrible every time she gets the ball we give away a point” category to move into the “occasionally will make a play that will lead to a point, but don’t count on her” category.  I’m not even writing to whine a lot about how I pretended like I was 18 years old for 2 hours today and how much my body is going to be hurting tomorrow.

I’m only telling you about the sand volleyball so that you can understand the setting.  Matt, Sarah1, Abbie, Kate and a whole host of their friends were all there, hanging around in the sand.  Sarah1 had the foresight to bring some sand toys; the kids were playing nicely in the sand the whole time the adults were (attempting to) play the game.  Not long after we started playing Abbie yelled, “MOM I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.”  I was 3 seconds away from volunteering to take her to the nearest bathroom when Sarah1 yelled back that she should just go.

Earlier this month, Matt and Sarah1 took the girls on a family vacation to Florida where they spend long days playing on the beach with their friend and co-vacationer, Brock.  Brock is a boy, and Brock can pee wherever he wants to.  Abbie’s a girl, and Abbie can do anything a boy can do, she’s decided.  So when Brock dropped his drawers on the beach when it was time to take a whiz, Abbie followed suit, no questions asked.

So, when you’re 3, there’s not a lot of difference between the beach (a place where you go t0 play in the sand in your swimsuit) and watching mommy and daddy play sand volleyball (a place where you go to play in the sand in your swimsuit).  When Sarah1 gave the go-ahead, Abbie promptly shed her bathing suit, spread her legs and let it rip.  She finished, did a little wiggle-dance, put her bathing suit back on and returned to playing in the sand.  She’s a very reasonable 3 year-old.

Kate, however, is more of a free-spirit than Abbie.  After she saw that Abbie was getting to run around naked and pee on stuff, she shed her bathing suit (and her diaper) and started peeing in the grass, too.  We thought that was pretty awesomely hilarious until it took about 10 minutes of coaxing to get her coppertone-baby ass back in her bathing suit again.  If you’re looking for a new personal challenge, you should try to explain to a toddler why it’s okay to be naked long enough to pee in the grass, but wrong to leave your clothes off for any longer than that.

Murphy’s Law

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I went to go pick up one of my best friends from the side of the highway today.  He was in a wreck and his car had to be towed away.  After sitting on the side of I-30 long enough to get a pair of righteous neck sunburns, we climbed into my car to drive away.  Only to find that my car battery had gone on strike and was refusing to work.  So much for being “The Rescue Vehicle,” right?

And that kind of sums up my day.

On Bad Timing

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Today Kate Bingaman-Burt of Obsessive Consumption reminded me that I really love to go to the hardware store.  I also love to draw mediocre drawings, so you can imagine how inspired I was when I found, buried in her massive collection of mediocre elementary  drawings, this hardware-store-themed gem of a purchase.

Fifty cup hooks!  Do you have any idea how much fun you could have with 50 cup hooks?

(*It should be said that I say her drawings are mediocre elementary nicest way possible.  They are fantastic and I love them, but you have to admit, they’re pretty basic.  That’s kind of the whole idea, right?)

So here I am, sitting in the office, being reminded of my love for the hardware stores and drawing and feeling generally inspired.  And lo, I am 12 hours away from taking my first nursing school final and (still) being orbited by the most crafty, death-defying, impossible- to-kill gnats that ever flew the face of the Earth.

That’s super convenient.  Nice timing, internet.

P.S. I used to go to the hardware store all the time with my dad. DAD! DAD DAD DAD!

The High-Tech Fly Swatter

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This looks just like my computer case.

Nursing school has been making me crazy for about two weeks now, but I’m starting to think that it’s making Zack a little crazy, too.  Monday night I came home pretty late from a long study session.  Zack was in the office when I arrived home.  I plopped my backpack down and started to unload its many, many contents onto the bed.  I slid my laptop out of the backpack and propped it up against a pillow.  It was still in its case.  The case looks just like that one.  Zack and I were just chatting about our days, talking about how the studying was going, stuff like that.  The usual.

This is a Fungus Gnat.

On a seemingly (but actually not at all) unrelated note, we’ve been having a problem with Fungus Gnats in the office.  (I did a wee bit of research and found out that the gnats are probably in the office because of the houseplant that I have in there.  Apparently Fungus Gnats live in potting soil?  Who knew?)

You might have noticed that I had a little bit of a Gnat-Induced ADD breakdown today on My Twitter because I couldn’t get this one damn Gnat to go away and no matter what I did, I couldn’t kill it either.  And ooooh, did I ever try to kill it.  (Because nobody reads my twitter, I’ll just go ahead and re-post.)

  • There are 1,070 square feet in this house. Why is this gnat circling my head? WHY?
  • SO MANY OTHER MORE DELICIOUS THINGS TO CIRCLE.
  • I LEFT A HALF A MARGARITA IN THE LIVING ROOM, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. GO HANG OUT IN THE FRUIT BOWL. UGH.
  • Lap after lap, round and round. My ADD meds are no match for this.
  • Seriously, I thought a gnat’s lifespan was like 15 minutes. How is he still here? This is IronGnat. Tony Gnark is orbiting my skull.

The gnats, no matter how hard you try to ignore them, start to really wear on your nerves after a while.  And on Monday night, when Zack and I were sitting on the bed and talking about our days, what I didn’t realize was that Zack was already really, really fed up with the gnats.

One of the gnats landed on my computer while it was still in its sleeve, leaning vertically against the pillows near the headboard.  Zack, with a swiftness that would have made deities jealous, saw a gnat land on the computer case, lifted his arm up over the top of his head, and SWATTED the gnat with a resounding and spiteful THUMP.

Then Zack realized that my computer was actually still in the sleeve.  It wasn’t just an empty neoprene sleeve leaning against a pillow, oh no.  It was a neoprene sleeve leaning against a pillow with a $1,000 piece of electronic equipment inside that contained all of my study guides and class notes and test preparation information.  Oops.  With eyes as big as an anime character’s, Zack looked at me and immediately apologized and explained that he had no idea that my computer was still in the sleeve.  Then he gingerly removed the computer from the case, turned it on, and breathed a massive sigh of relief when he saw that everything was still perfectly functional.  We laughed about his swatting motion, his reaction, and about how ridiculous it would have been to kill a computer just to kill a bug.

But all afternoon, as that stupid indestructible, uncatchable gnat was flying lap after lap around my head, I couldn’t help but think that I would have used my laptop as a freaking fly-swatter if it would have guaranteed death to that insufferable insect.  But I wouldn’t have been able to use the old, “OH, SORRY, I didn’t know your computer was inside that neoprene sleeve that you bought specifically to protect your computer from being damaged” excuse.

DVR + The Biggest Loser = :)

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Pre P.S. for those of you who haven’t watched The Biggest Loser and don’t want to know the results yet: don’t read this post yet, either.

Today we took our third Fundamentals test.  It was over some of the more difficult concepts and I was a little bit stressed about it.  I only got 5 hours of sleep last night, even though I used every minute of my time very effectively.  There just wasn’t enough time to do everything I needed to do.

So this afternoon, after taking the test (which was either: A. easier than I thought it was going to be, or B. evidence that I really did learn all that crap better than I thought I did [or, and let's hope this isn't the case: C. so hard that I thought it was easy because I was too out of it to even recognize it as being as hard as it really was.]) (I don’t think it was option C.) (Good Lord, I really, really hope not, anyway.) (Seriously, though.  I really don’t think it was C.  I’m pretty sure it was 70% A, 25% B and 5% C. But that’s just a guess.  Cause seriously, I don’t have any idea.)

…..um….where was I?

RIGHT. TESTING. After I took the test, my brain was (is!) fried.  I came home, cleaned up my notes from today’s lecture (never re-learn what you can just re-view!) and went into a post-test coma.  I tried to do some reading, but failed.  So I called my friend Cassie (a.k.a The Running Buddy), and we sat by the pool and talked about nursing stuff so that I could feel like I was doing something effective with my time (planning? emotionally preparing?) while actually doing nothing at all.  It was an awesome plan.  And it totally worked.

In fact, the plan to “relax” kept right on working.

I left Cassie’s to come home and resume the studying, right?  But no.  No “studying” was resumed.  Because after I got home, I was checking some items off of my to-do list when I stopped and said to myself: “OH MY GOD, REMEMBER TELEVISION? REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE TELEVISION?”

Which brings me to my point: I’m pretty sure God invented DVR for students in nursing school.  Best invention ever.

I just slammed back the whole Biggest Loser Season Finale in record time, skipping the 1,000,000 clip montages that I’d seen 1,000,000 times before.  I laughed, I cried, I watched everything in fast forward.  You know how long it takes to watch the important parts of a 2-hour Biggest Loser season finale?  About 20 minutes.  DVRs are the best.

So who’s watched TBL with me this season? Anyone?  Cause let’s talk about some things.

Thing #1: I asked Zack if he thought Daris had a two-pound gain at last week’s weigh in just to get the sympathy vote.  Zack said, “No! I don’t feel sorry for him!”  Me either.  But apparently we’re not the majority, because America did vote him in.  WRONG CHOICE AMERICA.  But I can’t say anything.  I didn’t vote.  So this is me, not saying: WRONG CHOICE AMERICA.

Thing #2: This season was weird, right?  The heaviest people in each gender made it to the final?! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not for a Melissa-level of game play, but SERIOUSLY.  They should have voted Michael off a long time before he got showered with $250,000.  Nobody played a single game-play type move all season long (that stuck, anyway,) except Daris’ strategic 2-lb gain which got him into the finale for NO REASON AT ALL. AS IF Daris had ANY chance against Ashley and Michael?! Daris’ starting weight was LESS than Ashley’s! LESS!  Why in the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks was he in the finale?!??!

Thing #3: I know they made a big deal about Ashley and Michael losing “almost half of their body weight,” but was I the only person who noticed that Koli lost 53.35%?! FIFTY-THREE PERCENT, PEOPLE.  Dude dropped 215 pounds! If Koli had been voted back on instead of Daris, (like he should have been) Koli would have walked away with a quarter of a million dollars instead of the (mere, measly) 1/10th of a million dollars.

Thing #4: I’m annoyed enough about this that it deserves its a whole extra point: KOLI was this year’s biggest loser.  By over 4%.  I’m guessing that’s why he was just a wee bit pouty after he won his at-home prize, right?  Perhaps it truly was a combination relief that it was all over and the emotions that come with the stress of the show finally being off his shoulders.  Or maybe he was just a little upset that after an entire season free of any kind of alliances or twisted game-play (almost to an absurd extent), America was totally duped by Daris’ drastic sympathy stunt–a stunt that cost Koli $150,000 dollars.

And, because it has to be said: Thing #5: Sam’s shirt was weird, huh?

Lies My Wife Tells: Math Edition

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A recent conversation held via the archaic house phone line.

Sarah:  Why haven’t you answered?  Where have you been?

Zack: I haven’t been anywhere. My phone is still plugged into the charger and you know it doesn’t ring when its plugged in.

Sarah:  I tried calling you like 38 times.

Zack: (walks into bedroom and checks cell phone)  You called exactly twice.

Sarah: That’s what I said.

- zack -

Dad vs. Boo

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My dad and Boo are in a competition to see who can get mentioned the most times on my blog.  This makes my days very amusing; Dad and Boo both tend to contact me when something noteworthy happens, just to see if it winds up being what I write about that evening.

Dad said that Boo’s been rubbing it in that he’s been getting more blog time than Dad has.  So dad called me this afternoon, asking if I could just start tossing his name around, even if it didn’t really fit into the story.  You know, so he could get more points than Boo.

So in the future, if you’re in the middle of reading one of my entries on, oh, nursing school or crafting or something like that, and I break out into a chorus of “The Dad Song” ala Full House, you’ll know why.  I’m just trying to give my dad the edge over Boo.

(Note: that clip is super long.  To get to “The Dad Song,” you can skip to 2:15.  But if you want to see some Michelle cuteness and re-live your youth, you’re going to want to watch the whole thing.)

The Last Project

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Last week, before school started, I knew that I had to get some crafting out of my system.  Nursing school is not a very art-friendly place simply because it does not allow one the leisure time necessary to create something.

There have been these prints on Etsy that I fell in love with a million years ago when Rachel posted about them, but I could never talk myself into actually buying them.  So when I was at Hobby Lobby the other day and saw that their canvas was on sale, I couldn’t help myself.  I grabbed some canvas, picked up some pencils and a paint pen, and started sketching.

Here’s the finished product:

I especially love “cinnamon,” I think because the leaves are so whimsical.

This weekend’s project looks a lot different than last weekends.  It’s “Read 1 million pages.”