I got this text message from Marie today:
“My sneeze was just followed by an audible “OW!” in the library.”

On Friday, she thought it’d be a really fun idea to make us do 500 ab moves. As in, 20 crunches, 20 toe touches, 20 butt lifts, 20 mason twists and 20 side crunches (on each side, so nevermind the fact that that’s really 120 moves X 5, which equals 600.)

We did the first round. I thought I was going to die.
We did the second round. I was pretty sure I was going to vomit.
We were doing the third round when I actually blacked out a little bit. I was like, “ARE WE IN THE SECOND ROUND OR THE THIRD ROUND?”
Marie giggled. Third round, she said. We were in the third round.
I celebrated. WHOO. Third round! Almost done!
Marie giggled again.

Then she started the fourth round.
Then she finished it.
Then she started the fifth round.

I finally protested. We always do three sets of EVERYTHING. We never do more than three sets. I started whining louder than I usually whine. She busted up my whining with some nonsense about how since the core works hard for our body all of the time, the core workouts have to be especially brutal in order to achieve effects. I don’t know if this is true, or if this is trainer bullshit. If it is true, don’t tell me. I’d like to go on believing that it’s trainer bullshit.

Anyway, I was like SCREW EFFECTS. I WANT TO DIE.

As she continued with her round #5, I began to mix up her Ab500 plan by doing other abdominal-type workout things that weren’t going to leave me with a lust for murder in my heart. I did a few planks. I’m not trying to brag, (ahem), but I can do a lot of planks. I’m a plank master. (Just because Zack and I used to do them in our at-home workouts because I hate sit-ups.) That night, though, I could only do a couple rounds of planks, because my shoulders totally gave out. Why did my shoulders give out? Because Marie had just made me complete her “Big 50″ shoulder routine. THREE TIMES. She merrily told me after we finished, “I just make my clients do that once, but since you’re working out with the trainer, you have to do it three times.”

So, yeah. Yeah, maybe I bailed on the FIVE HUNDRED (or, 600 if you can count correctly, WHICH I CAN) ab moves. Maybe I only got in 400 and some planks. But I would have done more planks if I could’ve used my arms to hold myself up. Which I couldn’t. Because of the 150 shoulder moves. Needless to say, I was not very forthcoming with pity when Marie was whining to me about how the Friday Evening At The Gym Torture Fest left her with some sensitivity in her abdominal region. And I will not be very forthcoming with pity, at least not until I can shift gears in my car without feeling like someone punched me in the gut.

Who knew it required so many ab muscles to put the Jetta into reverse?