Words that I heard today: “Um, Sarah? There’s poop dripping on the floor.”

Those words came from one of the 8 nursing students I had in my room at that particular moment, all of whom were accompanied by my nursing school clinical instructor. The student used her keen assessment skills to notice that my fecal collection bag was SO FULL of poop and gas (fart-in-a-bag, delicious, right?) that it was rupturing. RUPTURING. It’s always fun when the person who trained you how to be a nurse is in the room when something awesome (and completely avoidable, if you’re, you know, paying attention) happens. That’s a sure-fire way to impress a former instructor and a group of nursing students. Fumble some POOP. Super, super smooth.

Luckily, I managed the situation with some quick delegation (Ex: UUUUUHHHH, YOU**! GET ME THE BUCKET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!) and the swift aid of my instructor, who, thank God, happened to already have some gloves on. Sure there was some splashing involved, but luckily for me, I happened to be in the middle of bath time when the whole crowd of students rolled into my room, so there were towels everywhere. And, I’ll have you know, I used those towels preemptively. Not reactively. BOOYAH. NURSED!!!

*Almost every day has a new poop story. Almost every single day. Such is my life.

**In CPR training, they teach you that you should specifically choose one person to call 9-1-1. You shouldn’t just yell, “SOMEONE CALL 9-1-1!” because everyone will think someone else is doing it. Be specific, they tell you. As it turns out, emergency poop situations require a similar delegation technique. When there are 10 people in a room with an exploding poop bag, you have to pick a person to go get the poop bucket. You can’t just be yelling out for “someone” to go get the poop bucket. You have to be specific. Thank you, 9-1-1 training, for preparing me for these emergency moments.