Sarah: If you give me some time to prepare, I think I could even make it up Half Dome without crying.
Zack: I’m hoping that CrossFit is already helping with that.
Sarah: Me too.
Zack: I’m warning you now, though, there is going to be some exposure*.
Sarah: Yeah, I know. How tall is Half Dome, anyway? From base to top?
Zack: I don’t know
Sarah: What did you say?
Zack: I don’t know.
Sarah: DOES NOT COMPUTE.
*I’m not scared of heights, per say. I am, however, scared of being AWARE that I am really far off the ground. Thus, my fear of ‘exposure’ is referenced here. Zack knows me well.
(At Academy Sports)
Zack: is there anything you want to look at?
Sarah: oh, we can check out the sunglasses.
Zack: there are the Costas you always look at when we go to Backwoods.
Sarah: no, that isn’t the brand I want.
Zack: yeah it is!
Sarah: no, mine are different. They are, uuuh, um, they’re….
Zack: …are you sure?
Sarah: uuuum, Jimmy Dean?
Zack: oh, yeah, you’re right. You like the Maui Jim’s.
Zack: What are we going to put in the Virgin Mary Display Alcove?
Sarah: You mean the display shelf when you walk into the house?
Sarah: I don’t know. I was thinking we’d hang Jenn’s Birch Tree painting.
Zack: It’s not wide enough for that.
Sarah: Seriously? The painting’s not that big!
Zack: No, for real. It’s like, this big.
Sarah: Why, what do you want to put there?
Zack: I was thinking about The Gnome.
Sarah: Old Man Martin?
Zack: Yeah. But he needs to be all one color.
Sarah: We could paint him all white.
Zack: I was thinking silver.
Sarah: I like white better.
Zack: <to the tune of “Silver Bells”>”Silver Gnome! Silver Gnome! It’s moving time in our new home! Silver Gnome! Silver Gnome! Soon it will be moving dayyyyy!”
Sarah: Okay, fine. Silver is fine.
Zack: It’d be even cooler if we could get it to have a mirrored shine. Like chrome.
Sarah: Chrome Gnome?
Zack: I DIDN’T EVEN THINK OF THAT! IT’S SETTLED! CHROME GNOME IT IS!
Sarah: Seriously. Let’s do it.
Zack: <Gets in the shower after I’ve already been in there long enough to wash my hair.> That water is hot.
Sarah: No it’s not. It’s exactly how hot it was yesterday.
Zack: <Washes his face.> No, seriously, that water is face-scaldingly hot.
Sarah: The exact same temperature as yesterday.
Zack: No it’s not.
Sarah: Uh, Zack, I think I would know.
Zack: So hot.
Sarah: I’m getting out of the shower now, so you can adjust the water temperature however you’d like.
Zack: You’re abandoning me?
Sarah: I only have so long to get ready. I’ve gotta go.
Zack: <adjusts the water.> You can’t say the water wasn’t too hot when the cold water was completely off.
Sarah: I take a shower with only the hot water on every single morning.
Zack: No you don’t.
Sarah: <Sings, to the tune of “Every Morning” by Sugar Ray> “Every morning when I wake up I take a shower with only the hot water on…”
Zack: … No. On so many levels. No.
Boo: I’ve been making lists on my marker board every night before I go to bed. I have projects up there, to-do lists, all sorts of stuff. I’m a list person now! I make lists!
Sarah: No wonder you were so productive with your day today. You had a list.
Boo: I know! I did every single damn thing on my to-do list today!
Sarah: Yes, but did you clean your room?
Boo: Actually, my room has been pretty clean lately.
Sarah: Oh, yeah?
Boo: Yeah. I kept it pretty clean for about a week, and the change in mom’s mood was so noticeable, that now if I don’t clean it, dad will sneak in the room and clean it for me.
Boo: Yeah! I asked dad about it, and he was like, “Hey, if that’s what it takes to make her happy, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.” I mean, who knew all it would take to make our mom super happy was to pick up a few pieces of clothes off the floor and make my bed every day.
Sarah: EVERYONE ELSE. THAT IS WHO KNEW THAT. EVERY ONE BUT YOU TWO. I mean, shit, I figured that out years ago! Why do you think I’m her favorite child?
Boo: Touché. Oh, well, we get it now. Problem solved!
Friend: His name is Britto. Like, if you added an ‘a’ to it, you’d spell ‘burrito’!
Sarah: B-A-R-I-T-T-O is how you spell BURRITO?
Friend: Oh, man. There’s no ‘a’ in burrito, huh? I guess ‘m just spelling it how I say it. Bah-ritto! Bah-RITTO!!
[Setting: Zack, Sarah, and Michael are at the dining room table, eating.]
Michael: Sometimes your mom calls me Eeyore. What’s that about?
Sarah: I’d guess it’s because of the time that you were Eeyore in that Christmas parade with us.
Michael: I have no memory of such an event.
Michael: What parade?
Sarah: The Christmas parade! We went to it when my mom was still working for the city as a party planner? And she was in charge of the parade?! You were Eeyore, and I was Tigger!
Michael: I’ve got nothing.
Sarah: I have pictures. I can prove it. Let me go find my photo album.
Michael: You mean you have, like, PRINTED pictures of this?
Sarah: Yeah. It was a long time ago, back when we printed pictures.
<Sarah goes to find the photo album, returns with the photo of the event, pictured below.>
Sarah: Nevermind. That wasn’t you. That was Betsy. And I was Eeyore, apparently. And she wasn’t Tigger, she was Pooh.
Michael: Razor sharp memory, there, Sarah.
Sarah: Shut up.
Michael: But seriously, I think I tried on that Eeyore costume once. Maybe that’s why your mom calls me that.
(The majority of the following scene should be sung to the tune of The Little Drummer Boy, even when that’s impossible because there are way too many syllables in the stanza leading up to the ba/pa rum bum/pum bum/pum bum/pums.)
Sarah: (Singing, because Zack got the song stuck in her head earlier) Come, they told me, ba rum bum bum bum.
Zack: A newborn King to see, PA RUM PUM PUM PUM.
Sarah: OUR FINEST GIFTS WE BRING, BAAA RUM BUM BUM BBBUM.
Zack: My wife sings the song wrong, PA RUM PUM PUM PPPPUM, RUM PUM PUM PUM, RUM PUM PUM PUM.
Sarah: IT DOESN’T MATTER AT ALL, DUDE, BBBAH RUM BUM BUM BUM.
Zack: The song has P’s not B’s, pa rum PUM PUM PUM.
Sarah: It’s but a minor difference, just like PAMPLET, ba rum bum bum bum.
Zack: IT’S PAMPHLET. With a PH in the middle! PAMPHLET!
Sarah: Nobody says pamphlet. It’s pamplet. Ba rum bum bum bum.
Sarah: I feel so beeeehiiiiind all the time! I have always thought that I would be okay if there was just a normal day where I didn’t get 50 billion orders or my patients didn’t have a status change or something. But I realized today that getting 50 billion orders and status-changing-patients IS a NORMAL day. I just have to be that much faster at the “normal” stuff! It’s just like, DUDE. THERE IS SO MUCH SHIT TO DO.
Zack: So, shit just got real?
Sarah: It’s unreal how real shit just got.
(Setting: Zack and Sarah are spooning on the couch, watching the following scene from the movie Baby Mama.)
Zack: (Laughs silently.)
Sarah: Shut up, that is not me.
Zack: (Laughs loudly.) Yes, yes it is.